Twenty-one years ago I bore a child.
I am grateful that the spirit I invited said, “yes.”
And he came into my life.
Motherhood has been a blessed and abundant experience where the burden of responsibility has never eclipsed the rightness of learning and caring as we explored the unchartered territory of this spirit’s growth and development. Maturing through placing another’s needs before one’s own is an indelicate process and a gift. Grappling with choices, decision and unknowns have tested and strengthened my resilient spirit.
Every day I applied my authentic sober self to this process. Understanding my mismatch with his father was a slow, conflicted process. My will to have what I desire and fantasize in an intimate partner has not been, shall I say, “accurate.”
Reflection and looking forward are paths that are linked and yet unknown until the knowing appears.
It sometimes happens that what I think is best for me, others and the wider world is neither the best or what transpires. These lessons are learned by the slow and painful process of going through the forge. I did not get the love I desired. I did not get the attention or acknowledgement of my existence and the right to be here yet, I am called to love.
I love deeply. I care deeply. And, I hurt deeply. We are being called “empaths.” I am called to love and bless the love and happiness of others even when, especially when, I feel empty. It is then that the chalice can be filled, is it not?
Solitude and loneliness are patches sewn close together.
My loneliness though is self-inflicted.
Only I can heal that insatiable craving for love
And attention that was not available
In my childhood.
I have been a fabulous imperfect mother for James. I would love to have had a mother like me! And when I finally use my energy to mother, care and love myself I will be whole. That seems to be the destiny. And then, I will get to love a partner beyond my wildest dreams in this life or the next. I will get there through forgiveness, acceptance and deeply loving true self.